There are strange connections that can happen between people – unexpected connections. Sometimes a person who might usually be happy in a submissive or masochistic role will come across someone else whom they just have to Top, to aggress on, to express a sadistic impulse towards. Sometimes a person who might usually be in a Dom mode will come across someone else – and want to submit. A person who usually has male partners for sex or BDSM will suddenly find themselves open to a certain female partner, or vice versa. People who normally see themselves as open and polyamorous will find themselves in a relationship wherein they are not interested or motivated to have multiple partners, but are happy acting monogamous.
Our sexuality has a certain fluidity, more than some of our labels would suggest. We grab onto certain categories and expectations, rules even, that are meant to capture our essence – and then something happens that challenges those rules, categories and expectations.
Should you worry when that happens?
What does it mean? How can you be so wrong about yourself? What else might pop up, unexpected? Where do you stand, is that quicksand beneath your feet or are you standing on solid ground?
Some people revel in the fluidity and hate rules, expectations and categories. “It depends” and “whatever happens, happens” are some of the mottos spoken by the gender-fluid, switch or post-modern people that are exploring the edges of our culture. Most people, though, want or need the clearness of the lines, the expectations that categories give us. There is a sense of safety in having a clear identity. Knowing who you are and knowing who other people are, allow us to move forward in an efficient, safe, and powerful manner.
These two ways of being in the world – the explorer who refuses to be categorized, and the builder/nurturer who wants/needs their categories – should respect each other even if they can’t agree or get along all the time. Our BDSM and leather/kink communities live out this tension all the time, especially given the higher proportion of explorers we have in our midst.
But all of us will experience moments in our life path that challenges our identities. Our sexualities shift, change and won’t stay in the boxes or within the lines. This is true even for explorers – what happens when their sexuality starts to look like a traditional expression?
Each person has to figure this out for themselves, but figuring it out is not something a person has to do all by themselves – without the support and input of your friends, lovers and families. Without your community. That is why the tired discussion of Old Guard vs. ?? is actually useful, beneficial. That is why more discussion on welcoming the diversity of our community is useful, beneficial. These things matter – they actually help people when they hit the weird moment in the life path when their sexuality transgresses their identity.
So continue to have those discussions – don’t shut them out. They matter.
Richard A. Sprott, 2009
